I’m erasing you and I’m happy

So I'm not alone….a lot of us seem to be suffering the same emotional icky-ness this month….I'm stuck in the past. Not so much the past but an idealized version of what could have been. Stuck there longing for this place that isn't real and for what? Eternal Sunshine…has been on a lot recently (me thinks to teach me something) and I've never wanted so much than just to erase….but here is the thing I'm slowly starting to figure out….he for better or worse made me who I am today, (and besides the emotional icky-ness I'm suffering right now) I'm pretty happy with who I am today. In all my random readings I came across a quote that hit me like a ton of bricks…"he has been present in my everyday life whether I wanted him there or not". The truth is he has.

Anais Nin wrote:
"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive". The me I am today would not exists if not for him, and others being part of my life. So the question really is…if I know I needed him to be me, why then the emotional ick? That I have no answer for.

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each prayer accepted, and each wish resigned;
Labour and rest, that equal periods keep;
"Obedient slumbers that can wake and weep;"
Desires composed, affections ever even,
Tears that delight, and sighs that waft to Heaven.
(Alexander pope)

The past is a funny thing, it can't be changed nor forgotten. It is what it is for a reason. We all have mistakes, wrongs, mis-steps that we want to undo, but its what we learn from them that makes them so important. We are our past because they made us. (sankofa..duh?) Not the idealized version (that I long for) but the actual past. Its me. The sooner I accept that…