Sometimes Im just sad...

I'm sad for all the things that could have been and aren't. I'm sad for the things that are, but could have been different. I'm sad because I can be and I have the right to be. I sad because happy isn't working for me right now. I'm sad because there is so much more and I'm afraid I wont achieve it. I'm sad because sometimes I'm just sad.

The Hardest Thing...

The hardest to me is to be again
re-learning who I was alone
not questioning other feelings
suggesting other plans
the freedom I've regained unexpectedly
abruptly
how to handle it?
Answering the questions
to those that don't know
seeming like a fool to my friends
seeming like a fool.
The hardest thing is letting my love go
letting it be
letting him be
I can be myself
as I was before.
Before I ever knew of love
regrouping
not relying.
The hardest is facing those together,
the hardest is forgetting,
the hardest is remembering.
Believing in love again,
thats the hardest thing.

I’m erasing you and I’m happy

So I'm not alone….a lot of us seem to be suffering the same emotional icky-ness this month….I'm stuck in the past. Not so much the past but an idealized version of what could have been. Stuck there longing for this place that isn't real and for what? Eternal Sunshine…has been on a lot recently (me thinks to teach me something) and I've never wanted so much than just to erase….but here is the thing I'm slowly starting to figure out….he for better or worse made me who I am today, (and besides the emotional icky-ness I'm suffering right now) I'm pretty happy with who I am today. In all my random readings I came across a quote that hit me like a ton of bricks…"he has been present in my everyday life whether I wanted him there or not". The truth is he has.

Anais Nin wrote:
"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive". The me I am today would not exists if not for him, and others being part of my life. So the question really is…if I know I needed him to be me, why then the emotional ick? That I have no answer for.

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each prayer accepted, and each wish resigned;
Labour and rest, that equal periods keep;
"Obedient slumbers that can wake and weep;"
Desires composed, affections ever even,
Tears that delight, and sighs that waft to Heaven.
(Alexander pope)

The past is a funny thing, it can't be changed nor forgotten. It is what it is for a reason. We all have mistakes, wrongs, mis-steps that we want to undo, but its what we learn from them that makes them so important. We are our past because they made us. (sankofa..duh?) Not the idealized version (that I long for) but the actual past. Its me. The sooner I accept that…

it be that way sometimes...

I love you, and I won't take no for an answer!

Ms. C.B. Rae does it again...

Maybe you've been pouring everything into this, your mistake of this, attends to agony.

on dealing...pt.2

may my tears run just as far, that my love might never know that one day i cried for him

the truth

he has been a part of my everyday life-- whether I wanted him there or not.